Ten things I've learned since being back in school

10)  'What do you mean "No paid vacation?"'
9)  The freshmen (or freshpeople) on campus look 15.
8)  Grad classes reveal how little you actually know.
7)  Rule one of engineering: "Don't talk about engineering," it is only interesting to you.
6)  Rule two of engineering: "Don't talk to engineers," they are not interested in anything but engineering (see #7)
5)  Be nicer to people in your classes.  They might have a say in whether you get hired somewhere in the future.
4)  Cynicism and Intelligence are somehow synonyms (oh wait, that was cynical... I can't escape).
3)  Cable is a luxury. Netflix / Hulu is a necessity.
2)  Everyone at your university wants your university's team to win (don't take this for granted, some UNC - Chapel Hill students do get jobs).

1)  People at work got your jokes about Ralph Nader, the stock market, and health insurance.  People at school get your jokes about Wes Anderson, tests, and dub-step.  Puns are universally acknowledged as comedic genius.

Now get out there and kick some math!

The Wedding Day

Who am I, that sovereign omnipotence would seek reconciliation with me, though I rejected Him at the outset?  “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity.”¹ Thus no action I take is deserving of Your mercy.  Yet before time and in the midst of eternity You found that Your glory would be demonstrated in saving Your creation.  This You did by becoming a man and becoming a sacrifice for man.  How did I do it?  How did all of humanity do it?  How did we look on true beauty and say, “Yes it is great, but You must answer my thoughts before I choose You.  Before I will accept this sacrifice I must find if I can seek my desire, for it is great, and I think that You want to take it from me.” For this reason we ate the fruit we saw as good, we pursued the gods that held our pleasure, and we crucified You, in the form of Your Son, so that our life would be our own.  But even in that rejection of You, You loved us eternally.  You said, “Listen to me, you stubborn of heart, you who are far from righteousness: I bring near my righteousness; it is not far off, and my salvation will not delay.”²  And so Your death washed us thoroughly from our iniquity, and Your resurrection defeated sin’s greatest power, death.  Death, our just reward, and the constant bite at our heel, always present, always waiting. But what power could it have compared to Yours?  What power could even death, which is constant, which is unyielding, and which is persistent have over You?  Thus You showed what the emptiness of death’s power really is, so that none could mistake that omnipotence belongs to You alone.

You did this for me, because Your love for me is unfathomable.  This love that I know, though only in part is multiplied in this; You have loved every man and woman in the same, unknowable way.  Every human that was born on this earth has been known by You.  I have pondered on this often, and it renders me speechless.  I have sat at a wedding and looked at all who were there, and marveled at Your love for them.  You know each person.  You know the depths of their soul and complexity completely and intimately, and that thought drives me to awestruck wonder. 

So I sat at this celebration and looked on the people that You loved.  I saw my friends, my acquaintances, and thought of Your love for them.  How You wove them together before time and knew them even then.  They danced with the joy that You have given them, and they laughed  (What a wonder!  That happiness should be so powerful at a moment that sound should come from our mouths!  It’s as if every giggle or chuckle is a song of praise!).  We delighted in the new couples’ joy, and in our friends’ covenant with You.  We danced and laughed in recognition of Your glory in their lives.

I looked at those who were older than our youthful group.  Those who might could not dance as well as before, but seeing the movement and rhythm of others brought smiles to their faces.  How You love them dear Lord.  For how much toll does life take on any one person?  And I am still young; maybe not naïve, for I know many trials await me, but still I do not know as they do.  If there have been some hardships, more will come.  These men and women know this, and You have sustained their bodies and their hearts to continue on.  They smiled and they talked about other weddings and other times, and remembered them with fondness.

Then I looked on those who were hurting, on those who had been hit by the world’s brokenness all too recently.  But they still found joy in that place.  You were with them in their pain, that they might delight in others’ joy.  And some of these that I spoke to praised You for the celebration You had given.  They cried (many of us did) for joy that this should occur.  That You would take two people, and join them so that Your glory would be shown.  So that it would be seen that all provision comes from You, and that “You yourself are their peace, who has made them both one and broken down in Your flesh the dividing walls of hostility.”³  Thus You comforted those who were burdened with life’s struggles, that even though the journey was growing more difficult and burdensome, You would sustain them; that they would rejoice in the joy that You had given to this couple that they might praise You.

Then I looked to the children in that place.  They who were carefree and fully trusting of their parents’ care and love, “for to such belongs the kingdom of God.”⁴  Without a moment’s hesitation they danced and rejoiced in the moment that You had given them even if they did not yet fully understand Your presence in that moment (though who does fully understand Your presence in any moment?  Are we not all but Your children; trusting without fully knowing, loving without completely understanding, but pressing on that we might know You more?).  So the children were happy and playful, each one rejoicing in the present.

Lastly, I saw the new couple.  All eyes looked at them approvingly, and multitudes of congratulations and well wishes came to them throughout the evening.  They rejoiced as well.  For You had granted something that at times seems unfathomable to me.  That You would join two together and thus show Your own glory, that through all the brokenness of the world, You would make it so that two could be united through You, and in this union there would not just be life, but great abundance of joy would thrive through You.  And they knew dear Lord.   They knew that this moment was about Your glory and Your redemptive mission in their lives.  They praised You in their vows, in their actions, in their laughter that day.  How a heart is warmed by love that seeks to praise You as sovereign Father and King.

All this I saw, and it turned my heart constantly toward Your goodness.  I know that Your love for me is unexplainable, and seeing others reminds me that Your love for them is equally deep.  Then I am astounded and driven to love You even more.  Every breath of life testifies to Your presence and each moment of time drives us to see You.  What a blessing to think upon You and Your people.  What peace is given when I am struck dumb and enraptured by the love that you have poured out. What a joy it is to sit in silence and ponder upon the glory of the Lord. 

1.     Psalm 51:5

2.     Isaiah 46:12-13

3.     Ephesians 2:14

4.     Luke 18:16

Prayer II

God answers prayer.  Over the past year or two, I have prayed several times that God would humble me, and that I would be used for His glory.  I can say without a shadow of a doubt, he has answered these prayers.  Not that I am a great servant, or that I always look to Him (pride is still the thorn in my side), but He HAS placed me in more opportunities than ever before to testify to His brilliance.  He has made me more aware of the brokenness and pain that surrounds me, whether through experience or through scripture.  To the point where now I do not pray for humility lightly.  In fact, I am becoming increasingly aware of how powerful prayer is.  Now I continue to pray for opportunities for His name to be glorified, but I have a better understanding of what that could entail, and that we should be careful when using the terms "break my pride," or "teach me to die to myself."  Not just careful, but fearful of Him who will absolutely grant us these things if we come to Him with a reverent heart (Psalm 2:11).  "Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it."  (1 Thesselonians 5:23-24)

In all of this, there is joy.  Though it is difficult to see at times, we REJOICE that He has chosen us to serve His will and to be sanctified through His Spirit (1 Peter 1:3-7).  This is what I pray for now, that He would fill me with His Holy Spirit, and that there would be joy in His service (Luke 11:13).  Doesn't this reveal the greatness of the Lord?  That we would know the power of Him who we pray to, and that we would then run to pray to Him all the more fervently!?!  Not out of obedience that expects material blessing, but love.  Pure, unadulterated love.  My Lord, God!  You have broken me down, and how I pray that you will continue to do so, that I might begin to know you, "and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge" (Ephesians 3:19).

It is from this place that I dwell on my service to God.  Pastor Tyler presented a sermon today that focused on teaching, and he gave 5 points about the difficulties of teaching.  Each one was powerfully true:
1) Criticism will come your way ("Be thick skinned")
2) Physically Draining
3) Exposes self-deficiency
4) Teaching in public settings can magnify pride.
5) Must live out what you are teaching.

How amazingly true, and how encouraging to see the leaders and elders of our church being honest about the trials and joys of serving God's people.  This week, I am unable to go to community group.  After hearing this sermon, I am so glad to have a week to reflect on my time leading group, and a time to pray for everyone in my community.  I can say without a doubt that I love them, that my heart breaks for them, and that my soul rejoices in their joys.  They are who God has granted me to serve, and to love.  My deepest desire is that they would be pointed to Christ, not my idea of what being a follower is, but leaving them with the Word and knowing that God will pursue them as only He can.

This is my soul's question, "Lord, have you been shown to these people?  Have I been removed so that your glory is absolutely apparent? Lord, have you served the church, or have I? Have you led this group, or have I?  Have you loved my family, or have I?  Have you loved my roommates, or have I trusted in my own will to do so?

Now, as I move forward, and only beginning to understand the awesome weight of prayer, I pray, "Lord, praise be your name! Thank you for your people, and I pray that you may grant them to be strengthened with power through your Spirit in their inner being (Ephesians 3:16).  Pursue them, love them, and make your grace abundantly known to them.  My brokenness is apparent to all, and I fail you continually, but your grace is overwhelmingly sufficient, and I rejoice in your Son's death and resurrection.  Humble me so that I might serve your people, grant me endurance to run the race, sanctify me through your Spirit so that the people I interact with might see you and you alone.  Lord, please, grant me your Holy Spirit." 

He will surely do it.

Letters to My Lovers

To Glory,

You entice me.  To be seen, and not only respected, but venerated by others, that is what I crave.  To be a wise man that others would look to, that is my soul's desire.  But you know that I would never have enough.  I would drink deep from the cup that you give me, full of strong wine that only increases insatiable thirst.  In my own gluttony for you I would choke and violently gasp for breath, yet still drink.  For you would drive me to demand more of you, and to crush all that would look to me, so that we might reign together.  Glory, you will betray me.

Sincerely,

Selfish Heart

To Wrath,

You are who I fear most of all.  Your arms are so inviting, and your speech is sweet.  You would see my hurt and encourage retribution.  To strike out at all in my path so my might would be known.  We two would reign and carefully destroy all who would dare to question, or pity, me.  But you would feed on me, wouldn't you?  With quiet anger, I would silently lash out at all but you, and you would stand by my side.  Never supporting, never uplifting, but whispering in my ear that more is needed.  That the manifestation of my righteousness must be known, and only with you can this be achieved.  And while you speak to me in a snake's tongue, my heart would grow cold and embittered, sending my soul into despair.  A deafening despair that would lead me to see death as the only respite.  Wrath, you most powerful of demons, you will destroy me.

Sincerely,

Worm of a Man

To Christ, My Savior,

How can I serve you Lord, when my flesh rages against you?  Should I seek my other lovers, you would look to me, and with divine might, whisper, "No."  With a still small voice your Spirit reaches to the very depths of my soul and delivers me from my fears.  My glory would be graciously crushed, so that yours would be known.
This is how I may serve you, to love your people.  Not by my own will, but by yours.  When I am surrounded by your enemies, when I am led into despair, when I turn from your glory, your right hand will uphold me.  Having already died, it is no longer I who live, but you who live through me.  Because of your death and your ultimate love, I will be able to look to others, and see your glory through them.
Praise be to you, My Christ! My King!  You would have me serve none but you, and in humble slavery, know the Creator.  With you, all of life shall be joy!  Not fleeting passion, but peaceful joy!  In life, I will struggle and fight for your name, and in death, I will kneel at your feet.  Your glory will be proclaimed, the oppressed will be uplifted, and the mighty will tremble at the mention of your name!  In you, I will no longer think of myself.  In you, we shall live in eternal relationship with God, the Father.
Rise up my brothers and sisters!  Rise and hear the call of the Lord!  We are his chosen ones, the saints called for His ministry!  May we be revolutionary in this sense, that we would die to ourselves.  That we would suffer for His kingdom.  Let those who seek to find contentment in the world see that being of the world is death, and that being enslaved to Christ is life.

Love,

The One Whom You Loved First

1 Peter 1:3-9

Ephesians 1:3-14

Colossians 1:15-23

Colossians 3:1-17

Phillipians 2:1-11

Galatians 2:20

Psalm 1:1-2

Pater Noster

If I were truly willing to lay down my life for Christ, others would be able to see him, but as it stands now, I am all talk.  As C.S. Lewis wrote,

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

One experiences a certain kind of hell when saying the things they know others want to hear, and knowing that with every word, their hypocrisy is layered and refined into an artful deception.  How I pray that merely a fraction of my soul would be about His business, and not mine.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-2)

"For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." (Galatians 5:17)

Lord, I grow so weary of this selfish flesh.

Here We Go

This is it.  Starting this semester, I will start leading our community group.  It is so difficult to relate how much work God has done on my heart about this.  First of all, because we have all been so blessed with the Godly leadership he's given us since the group's inception.  Also, I have been absolutely blessed to have a few days where I could meditate on the Word, pray, and read scripture.  A self-imposed retreat, if you will.  Again, what an absolute blessing.  I was anxious at first, because I wanted to be back in Raleigh with the community that I love, but now I see that God has given me this time to meditate on his Word.  As I look to the new semester, I MUST take time to be in the Word before I go back to Raleigh and serve our community.  Not just to be continually reminded that Christ is our sole focus, but to begin to understand the weight that this role carries. 

Colossians 3: 3-4 says, "For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."  That is absolutely what we must pursue as we engage this new semester.  We cannot seek an ideal community, because even if we base that idealistic community on Christian ideas, the community is not centered on Christ.  As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "Those who fashion a visionary ideal of community demand that it be realized by God, by others, and by themselves.  They enter the community of Christians with their demands, set up their own laws, and judge the brethren and God Himself accordingly" (Life Together - Bonhoeffer).  Oh how I pray that we would always see each other for who we are; broken sinners who desperately need Christ.  "I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2: 20).

And as I look to this new semester, I rejoice at the opportunity that God has given me.  I have spent time thinking of everyone in our group, and, with anticipation, waiting to walk with them, to listen to them, to pray with them, and to serve them.  God's love fills me up as I remember how each of the people that are in our community reflect God's brilliance, and how they have labored to know him.  As it says in Matthew 9: 36, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."  How I desperately pray that I would be removed, and that Christ's passion would be seen for the people that he loves.  In all my relationships, I ask Christ to humble me to the point of death so others may only see His glory.

"Once a man has experienced the mercy of God in his life he will henceforth aspire only to serve.  The proud throne of the judge no longer lures him; he wants to be down below with the lowly and the needy, because that is where God found him" (Life Together- Bonhoeffer)

"I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God.  I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy.  I will feed them in justice" (Ezekiel 34: 15-16).

Poem

Oh that His awesome majesty

would quiet our souls

and release to the wind

the chaotic noise of this world