Pride

I am so thankful for the past few months.  I have surely seen God move in my life and in others', and I have definitely grown in my relationship with him.  What's more, in the past God has revealed himself through a series of experiences that were humbling, but this past semester has been growth through delving into the scripture.  That has been a unique and amazing thing for me.  God certainly uses experiences, but it has been great to meet him through his word.

So, understandably, I KNEW that when I went back home for Thanksgiving break, I would be able to die to myself and serve the other members of my family in a Christ-like way.  The love that I have for my immediate and extended family would absolutely be enough for me to be able to show Christ to them, if only in a fraction of the way that they have showed me.  What I found, however, is that I failed... pretty miserably.  What DID take place is a pretty amazing back-step into my habits of high-school.  The only difference was that, instead of watching TV, I read most of the time.  It was a Christian book about following Christ radically.  I share this, because, given the general selfishness of my attitude, it's pretty hilarious that that's what I was reading.  When I say "hilarious," I don't really mean "ha-ha" funny, I mean, "you have to laugh to keep from crying" funny. 

This is certainly frustrating.  After thinking about it for the past couple days, I think I found why this happens (maybe).  I know that my family accepts me, and I know that they love me unconditionally.  This makes it so much easier for me to regress into a selfish child who has his mom make every meal for him, and groans every time his Dad asks him to help out.  Another interesting point, maybe I've changed.  I always thought that I could seamlessly transition between Greensboro and Raleigh, but I don't think I can.  They are two very different places, and both have glimpses, but not entire pictures of who I am. 

That last statement is very important, mainly for this reason: it is absolutely the selfishness that God hates.  That last statement is exactly what I've thought in the past, and seemed completely rational when I wrote it here.  I think this often, and I am sure others do as well.  I have a view of myself as this incredibly complex soul that few are able to understand.  So there it is, there is the pride that is underlying everything.  This entry itself has been teeming with pride, "I have grown, I failed to serve, I have changed."  Self-analysis is necessary, but goodness gracious, stop viewing the world as some Citizen Kane featuring yourself and follow Christ!  Empty words are evil, and we are wasting time when we should be proclaiming his name!  As Jesus said in Matthew 10:25-26, "A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.  It is enough for the disciple to be like his teacher, and the servant to be like his master."  Also, in James 4, "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  We could also read Proverbs 4:25, "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." 

Praise God that we may find rest in him, and be turned away from our own prideful hearts.

"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling." -Psalms 2:11